So I haven’t written on my blog for a very long time. Why? Because my wife, Michelle, came across my blog and started following it. So I felt like I could never write what I wanted to. However, a month or so ago, I made sure to unfollow my account from her phone and since it’s been so long since I’ve written, she’ll have no idea I started writing again; especially since she doesn’t do anything on WordPress anymore.
So you may ask, how’s your wife doing?
The answer is: horrible. ED has never had more control. She refuses to see a therapist or dietitian. She thinks everything is just fine because she is still having her monthly period, even though it’s extremely light and gets lighter every month.
Her weight is lighter than she has ever been (105 pounds at 5’6”). She doesn’t have pink toes yet, which she had before going into the center in 2015 indicating poor circulation. Of course she only focuses on those things and chooses to deny the other symptoms, like constant headaches, no energy, irritability and quick to anger.
I’ve tried so many different things over the years to try and get her back on track and sometimes it would work for a few days, but ultimately fail and become worse. SO many things.
So this past Wednesday was the last straw (of course I’m sure there will be many more last straws).
Wednesday we went out to eat at an Indian restaurant in celebration of her niece’s birthday. Before going in Michelle said she wasn’t going to eat anything since she had a “Big” lunch.
The “Big” lunch? We went to a Mexican restaurant for lunch and she had half of a large burrito. An adequate sized lunch to be precise. She ate the minimum of what she should eat (a main and two sides worth). Anyway, that’s not how she saw it as it wasn’t a salad or something else with hardly any calories I’m sure.
I also knew she skipped breakfast that morning. Since she skipped breakfast, I told her she CAN’T miss another meal. That had no effect. Her plate sat empty for the first few minutes after our food came. NO ONE from her family said anything and just talked, ate and laughed, which just plain pisses me off that it seems like I’m the only one who cares as they all know she has an eating disorder.
So I told her many things urging her to eat and that she can’t skip two meals in a day and I finally said, “Why are you doing this to me?!” which seemed to trigger something. After I said that she turned and looked at me with full hatred in her eyes and dished herself some food. Not a full meal, just a main and a side, but she ate. Later after the kids were down for bed, she asked what I meant by saying that, because she thinks what she’s doing has nothing to do with me.
Seriously… how can she not see that it affects everyone around her… but this is an age old way of thinking for her by now. ED is pure selfishness.
That being said, I found out something new. She said that missing breakfast that morning didn’t mean anything since she hasn’t eaten breakfast for around a month now……… I couldn’t believe hearing this. It felt like a knife stab in my back.
I’ve finally come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no improvement any more, only decline. She’s not trying at all anymore… so why should I? Her going to the hospital will be the only thing that opens her eyes I think. She’s already told the kids, “Do as I say, not as I do.” which is a philosophy that has never worked, but it shows that the kids and I have no effect in making her change.
So I’m going to choose to live in ignorance like the rest of her friends and family who deeply “care” for her. I’ll continue to support and help if she asks, but I will not go out of my way to tell her that she’s under eating.
I am so invested in this whole thing that I know I became the enforcer and the “enemy”, especially after she stopped seeing a therapist, because I then became the only person trying to talk sense… besides maybe her Mom. She’s the only other person who seems concerned for her; probably because she’s bulimic and still struggles with it herself.
I can’t tell you the countless arguments and discussions we’ve had that always ends up with her not talking to me and giving me the “wall”… but I always kept trying.
Well, it’s now been two years of doing this and I’ve hit a breaking point. I’m done. I sent her an email yesterday saying as such along with much more.
Almost every argument where I seem to start to win, she says, “Fine, I’ll just get fat like you want me to.” and storms off without saying another word. That day and maybe the next will be good, but thereafter is no improvement at all.
At times I tell her, “Yes, I want you to get fat.” Especially after she explained to me that “fat” to her is a picture we took after she came home from the center in the fall of 2015; a picture where she looks absolutely gorgeous! It’s actually my favorite picture of her. She only sees fat… This distorted image just floors me and I know my mind could never understand that and I realize that.
The picture is below. She is at the low end of average weight for her height there. I believe around this time she found that she was 126 or so. The very low end. Look how beautiful she is!!! Why does ED make her see it otherwise?!
Anyway, after I sent her the email yesterday afternoon while at work and getting home afterwards, she was quiet, but we didn’t talk about ED. We went to bed without incident or much affection other than a weak hand holding. However this morning she said, “I love you”, when I leaned down to kiss her good-bye (kids are off school today so she could sleep in), which is a huge improvement for how mornings go.
Typically when I leave to work I look at her and see her lost in her thoughts and I tell her I love her and give her a kiss and leave. As I walk out, I get a half-hearted, I love you back with a distant look, which tells me that she’s not even thinking about me.
This is typically the case with ED. A better part of the last couple of years and more, whenever anyone showed affection, I usually had to instigate it as she’d constantly be lost in her thoughts. I come second to those thoughts. The affair with ED is real and she doesn’t see it.
She hates it when I relate it to an affair when we “talk”. She thinks it’s dumb as it’s not a physical person. I tell her it’s the same, because it’s like you are thinking of someone else all the time, just like she would if she was having an actual affair. I don’t get her full attention, like I usually give her.
So this morning was an improvement in that at least. I’ll post the email I sent in a few days.
So, here we are. I wanted to help (still do), but the more I did, the more she pushed away and the more we grew apart it seemed. So I’m riding the ignorance wave. It may, no WILL, end up with her into the beach, err.. hospital, which I’m not looking forward to, but it was heading there anyway and I was not stopping that. I was just making the road more painful and destroying our relationship in the process.
I know I paint a doom and gloom picture, which is just the mood I’m in now I’m sure. Overall our marriage is still somewhat happy. As long as food isn’t involved, we still hold hands everywhere we go. We still cuddle or hold hands most of the time while watching TV together, I still make romantic gestures at every possible chance I get like buying flowers for no reason, or doing the laundry on my day off… heck, I even still open her door for her on the weekly dates I take her on. I wish she initiated some of the romance and affection between us, but I’ve accepted that’s how our relationship is… at least for now.
My heart is always full of hope, because I remember how things were and hold on to the hope that’s how they’ll be again.
So hopefully I’ll write more on this blog in the future, I’m sure no one, but maybe a handful of people will even read this, but I don’t really care. This is more therapeutic for me than anything.