This I believe

I have not written on here for a long time!  I’m sorry about that, but my life has been incredibly busy.  Why?  Among other reasons, I went back to school.  This is a huge step for me as I don’t necessarily need a degree, but I want to show myself that I can do it.  I’m currently taking an English course and it sparked my love of writing once again.  Below is a paper I just turned in.  The topic was “This I believe”.  I hope you enjoy it!

I Believe Everyone Can be Beautiful

When I was a teenage boy, I remember many iconic women of the time whom I assumed were beautiful or attractive.  While talking with friends, they mentioned an actress whom I didn’t particularly think attractive.  I mentioned one, whom I deemed, “foxy”; most agreed, but one was an emphatic, “No way!”  Our differing opinions puzzled me.  If beauty is different for each person, how can we ever attain it? Today, I believe everyone has the potential to be truly beautiful.

At age 18, I learned that our definition of beauty can change in seconds.  I remember seeing a very attractive woman who, seconds later, lit up a cigarette and continued a vulgar conversation she was having with a friend.  Instantly I found her unattractive, and I moved on.  How could this be?  Earthly beauty is only skin deep.  Her physical traits didn’t change; however, her behavior did. I’m sure many people have come across similar scenarios.

After obtaining a steady job in my early twenties, I was ready to get married.  Beyond personality, I had cataloged the many physical attributes I wanted my wife to have.  She would have long raven black hair, big beautiful blue eyes, dark pouty red lips, and smooth tanned skin.  If you know me, you may be shocked to hear this list, as that doesn’t describe my wife in the least.

My wife has freckled porcelain skin, long wavy copper tresses, and cat-like hazel eyes that change colors depending on the light and what she wears.  Of course, I’m describing how I see her now, and not how I saw her then.

Michelle and I started off as friends.  Neither of us were particularly attracted to the other.  She didn’t have the physical traits I wanted and I wasn’t her huge “football player” of a man.  As time went by however, we became closer friends.  Long story short, we fell in love.

How can this be?  She looked nothing like the woman I envisioned.  It’s because I found true beauty, which shattered my prior definition of beauty.  In my eyes, she became the most incredibly gorgeous woman on the face of the planet.

Margaret Wolfe Hungerford first said, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”  So, if beauty is subjective, how is it possible for everyone be truly beautiful? Because, true beauty is found within ourselves.  You may find that cheesy or unbelievable, but it doesn’t discourage its veracity.  To display this example perfectly, let me go back to my wife, Michelle.

Michelle is currently suffering through an eating disorder.  Her anorexia has made her lose many pounds to the point where she had become a skeleton of her former self, literally.

We were on a family trip in 2014 when her sister-in-law, who lived in Chicago and whom we don’t see very often, was disgusted at how Michelle looked.  She handled the situation poorly and wouldn’t talk to my wife or any of the family.  She believed we were all at fault for letting her lose that much weight.

The reaction of my sister-in-law really upset my wife and confused me as I still believed Michelle to be truly beautiful.  I am so thankful for my in-law’s reaction. She made me take a step back, remove the “beholder’s eye”, and look at my wife objectively.  I finally saw it.  She looked so skinny, she appeared sickly.  There were no curves, bones stuck out everywhere, and her face was gaunt, almost skeletal.  All that said, her outward appearance did not change her inner or true beauty.

I’m sure there are people out there who think that looking like a skeleton is attractive.  In fact, I believe the world glorifies it.  Simply look at your closest Barbie or Monster High doll.  It’s no wonder that being thin is what everyone wants when society piles on the false visuals.  I know this falls right into the adversary’s hands.  He wants all women and men to think they are not worthy or good enough and to obsess over the inconsequential.  He wants to set something that is unattainable for most, and almost certain death if it is attained, because this state of malnutrition cannot be sustained.  Society and the adversary wants you to turn a blind eye to the fact that anorexia has the highest death rate of any psychiatric illness, which includes major depression.

Here is the awesome truth.  There is no need to feel jealous of anyone’s appearance.  Since we are all here on earth with physical bodies, we all have the potential of being truly beautiful. True beauty is the light within, it is our spirit.  There are no exceptions or physical barriers.  Whether you are fat or thin, tall or short, orchid or cactus, we each have that potential.  To become truly beautiful, we simply need to deliver on that potential by nurturing it daily and letting our inner light shine.

I’m back!

So I haven’t written on my blog for a very long time.  Why?  Because my wife, Michelle, came across my blog and started following it.  So I felt like I could never write what I wanted to.  However, a month or so ago, I made sure to unfollow my account from her phone and since it’s been so long since I’ve written, she’ll have no idea I started writing again; especially since she doesn’t do anything on WordPress anymore.

So you may ask, how’s your wife doing?

The answer is:  horrible.  ED has never had more control.  She refuses to see a therapist or dietitian.  She thinks everything is just fine because she is still having her monthly period, even though it’s extremely light and gets lighter every month.

Her weight is lighter than she has ever been (105 pounds at 5’6”).  She doesn’t have pink toes yet, which she had before going into the center in 2015 indicating poor circulation.  Of course she only focuses on those things and chooses to deny the other symptoms, like constant headaches, no energy, irritability and quick to anger.

I’ve tried so many different things over the years to try and get her back on track and sometimes it would work for a few days, but ultimately fail and become worse.  SO many things.

So this past Wednesday was the last straw (of course I’m sure there will be many more last straws).

Wednesday we went out to eat at an Indian restaurant in celebration of her niece’s birthday.  Before going in Michelle said she wasn’t going to eat anything since she had a “Big” lunch.

The “Big” lunch?  We went to a Mexican restaurant for lunch and she had half of a large burrito.  An adequate sized lunch to be precise.  She ate the minimum of what she should eat (a main and two sides worth).  Anyway, that’s not how she saw it as it wasn’t a salad or something else with hardly any calories I’m sure.

I also knew she skipped breakfast that morning.  Since she skipped breakfast, I told her she CAN’T miss another meal.  That had no effect.  Her plate sat empty for the first few minutes after our food came.  NO ONE from her family said anything and just talked, ate and laughed, which just plain pisses me off that it seems like I’m the only one who cares as they all know she has an eating disorder.

So I told her many things urging her to eat and that she can’t skip two meals in a day and I finally said, “Why are you doing this to me?!” which seemed to trigger something.  After I said that she turned and looked at me with full hatred in her eyes and dished herself some food.  Not a full meal, just a main and a side, but she ate.  Later after the kids were down for bed, she asked what I meant by saying that, because she thinks what she’s doing has nothing to do with me.

Seriously… how can she not see that it affects everyone around her… but this is an age old way of thinking for her by now.  ED is pure selfishness.

That being said, I found out something new.  She said that missing breakfast that morning didn’t mean anything since she hasn’t eaten breakfast for around a month now………  I couldn’t believe hearing this.  It felt like a knife stab in my back.

I’ve finally come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no improvement any more, only decline.  She’s not trying at all anymore… so why should I?  Her going to the hospital will be the only thing that opens her eyes I think.  She’s already told the kids, “Do as I say, not as I do.” which is a philosophy that has never worked, but it shows that the kids and I have no effect in making her change.

So I’m going to choose to live in ignorance like the rest of her friends and family who deeply “care” for her.  I’ll continue to support and help if she asks, but I will not go out of my way to tell her that she’s under eating.

I am so invested in this whole thing that I know I became the enforcer and the “enemy”, especially after she stopped seeing a therapist, because I then became the only person trying to talk sense… besides maybe her Mom.  She’s the only other person who seems concerned for her; probably because she’s bulimic and still struggles with it herself.

I can’t tell you the countless arguments and discussions we’ve had that always ends up with her not talking to me and giving me the “wall”… but I always kept trying.

Well, it’s now been two years of doing this and I’ve hit a breaking point.  I’m done.  I sent her an email yesterday saying as such along with much more.

Almost every argument where I seem to start to win, she says, “Fine, I’ll just get fat like you want me to.” and storms off without saying another word.  That day and maybe the next will be good, but thereafter is no improvement at all.

At times I tell her, “Yes, I want you to get fat.”  Especially after she explained to me that “fat” to her is a picture we took after she came home from the center in the fall of 2015; a picture where she looks absolutely gorgeous!  It’s actually my favorite picture of her. She only sees fat… This distorted image just floors me and I know my mind could never understand that and I realize that.

The picture is below.  She is at the low end of average weight for her height there.  I believe around this time she found that she was 126 or so.  The very low end.  Look how beautiful she is!!!  Why does ED make her see it otherwise?!

Anyway, after I sent her the email yesterday afternoon while at work and getting home afterwards, she was quiet, but we didn’t talk about ED.  We went to bed without incident or much affection other than a weak hand holding.  However this morning she said, “I love you”, when I leaned down to kiss her good-bye (kids are off school today so she could sleep in), which is a huge improvement for how mornings go.

Typically when I leave to work I look at her and see her lost in her thoughts and I tell her I love her and give her a kiss and leave.  As I walk out, I get a half-hearted, I love you back with a distant look, which tells me that she’s not even thinking about me.

This is typically the case with ED.  A better part of the last couple of years and more, whenever anyone showed affection, I usually had to instigate it as she’d constantly be lost in her thoughts.  I come second to those thoughts.  The affair with ED is real and she doesn’t see it.

She hates it when I relate it to an affair when we “talk”.  She thinks it’s dumb as it’s not a physical person.  I tell her it’s the same, because it’s like you are thinking of someone else all the time, just like she would if she was having an actual affair.  I don’t get her full attention, like I usually give her.

So this morning was an improvement in that at least.  I’ll post the email I sent in a few days.

So, here we are.  I wanted to help (still do), but the more I did, the more she pushed away and the more we grew apart it seemed.  So I’m riding the ignorance wave.  It may, no WILL, end up with her into the beach, err.. hospital, which I’m not looking forward to, but it was heading there anyway and I was not stopping that.  I was just making the road more painful and destroying our relationship in the process.

I know I paint a doom and gloom picture, which is just the mood I’m in now I’m sure.  Overall our marriage is still somewhat happy.  As long as food isn’t involved, we still hold hands everywhere we go.  We still cuddle or hold hands most of the time while watching TV together, I still make romantic gestures at every possible chance I get like buying flowers for no reason, or doing the laundry on my day off… heck, I even still open her door for her on the weekly dates I take her on.   I wish she initiated some of the romance and affection between us, but I’ve accepted that’s how our relationship is… at least for now.

My heart is always full of hope, because I remember how things were and hold on to the hope that’s how they’ll be again.

So hopefully I’ll write more on this blog in the future, I’m sure no one, but maybe a handful of people will even read this, but I don’t really care.  This is more therapeutic for me than anything.

OCD happened upon an Eating Disorder…

I count myself to be one of the luckiest men in the world.  The first two years of our marriage we were in heaven.  No arguments to speak of, no problems, nothing but pure happiness.  After two years of marriage however, we had our first child.

Lily, when she was born and I laid my eyes on her for the first time an invisible bond instantly attached itself and I cried as I looked at her beautiful little face.  It was by far one of the best moments of my life.  I still remember it as clearly as if it happened yesterday.

However, this brought on diapers.  No big deal as we both did them about equally at the beginning, probably more for her during the day as I went to work.  Although it gradually got to the point that if I was around, I just did all diaper changes.  Why?  OCD.

If any hint of poo touched, may have touched, imagination told her it touched, the floor would then need to be scrubbed and cleaned.  Eventually this turned into the walls, than the entire room, etc.  So to save her sanity and mine I just did it whenever I could.  Honestly, it didn’t bother me any.  One thing that has made our marriage as successful as it has been is to let go of the, “It’s your turn” mentality.

I looked at my wife and I knew how much I loved her.  If I loved her, I’d do anything for her; including changing poopy bums.

However over the passing years, this fear of poop traveled… soon it became poop on the lawn from animals and not walking on the lawn, to the entire house being cleaned after a bout of diarrhea from one of our little ones.

All that being said, it never got to the point where Michelle couldn’t handle it, she would get angry at the kids and I, especially as we couldn’t see it how she did and that made (makes)her furious!  She would become depressed often because of this and would withdraw so many times.

That being said, I know that she hated it, wanted to get rid of it.  It was never really beyond her control until around 2011ish

Michelle has always been sensitive about her looks. Before 2012, she consistently did pilates or kickboxing, watched what she ate, however nothing could stop her from enjoying meals with her husband or on special occasions. 

I knew that many people lived life like this and I marveled at her willpower and complimented her every chance I could.

Gradually this got a bit worse, a bit more stringent every year since our first little one was born.

After ten years of marriage and after our third daughter was born, the regime started to get out of control and it affected her entire personality.

Her eating behaviors started to change along with exercise routines.

Her meals were the same every day except for dinner.  From here you can read my other articles to see what happened, but long story short, ED became Michelle’s new best friend and basically… her new husband.  My needs and the kids came in second.

She was diagnosed with an eating disorder in 2013 or 2014 I believe and I was introduced to an entire world that I had no idea even existed.  I always pictured people with eating disorders to be those skinny runway models, not my beautiful wife!

My wife at her lowest was 103 pounds if I remember correctly.  My wife does not have a body to support only 103 pounds and live a normal life.  She looked blocky, bones were more visible and there were simply no wonderful curves.

The funny thing?  I never noticed it until her sister-in-law pointed it out and said that she had an eating disorder.  I then took a step back and saw it.  I look back at pictures now during that timeframe and wonder how in the world I didn’t see it sooner.

The family that live around here that see her at least every other week didn’t see it.  I saw her every day and didn’t see it.  The Sister-in-law that hasn’t seen her for over year saw it immediately and thank goodness she did as I think that lit a fire under my butt… And hers a little.

Even though she was already diagnosed with an eating disorder and seeing a therapist when this happened, it didn’t really hit me until around this time that something was really wrong.

I soon found out that people with eating disorders come in all sizes.  It’s the mentality that is the disease, not the physicality.

It was horrifying to find out that all the things I thought I was doing right in complimenting her to admiring her “willpower” and caressing her abs, was in fact fueling her drive to go deeper into this eating disorder.

Every once in a while, I get glimpses of how my wife was before our ten year anniversary, but they don’t ever last as long as I want before ED takes her thoughts away, her energy away, and her whole self away again.

It came to a boiling point last year around this time and she sought help and was soon admitted into the Center for Change, but she’s been out since around last September and ED has gradually enticed her back to the “Dark Side” again.

She’s trying to correct this.  She knows she can’t keep on this path, but after being back from the Center for so long, she is starting to forget how it was before going into the center, almost a year ago.  She thinks she can play with the sun without touching it and not get burned.

So here I am.

Every time I look at her, I see the Michelle I saw when the veil I talked about in “The Woman of My Dreams” was lifted when we dated.  I see the person I fell in love with and she is so worth fighting for.  I tell her this every time after an outburst, but then she often withdraws into her “wall”.  Something I’ll go more in depth on in a later article.

*shudder* the dreaded wall……….

Anyway, back to the OCD.

OCD runs in her family and it just happened to develop late for my wife.  Over the past 3-4 years while ED has been running her life, she tells me, “Just leave me and take the kids.  You didn’t know what you were going to get yourself into when you married me, so I won’t blame you if you do.”

It absolutely crushes me when she says that.  I would never leave her as I’m here through thick and thin and I hate that she would think I’m that kind of person to just give up and run.

I believe the OCD and her eating disorder have parties in her head.  This makes recovery so much harder when it was already hard to begin with.  I know this, I see this and I know I need to be extra understanding because of it.

Writing can be therapeutic and the funny thing, I didn’t think anyone would even read these, let alone like them, and somehow that encourages me to keep writing.  So thank you for reading and I really apologize how scattered my thoughts were on this one.

 

My wife has put herself in prison

Thank you to everyone who read my post from last Friday!  I honestly didn’t think anyone would read the post.  Horrible grammar and all!  That’s awesome, thank you!

Over the weekend we celebrated my wife’s birthday, even though it isn’t until next week, this was the only time all of her family would be available.

My wife LOVES trying new foods and she loves forcing her entire family to eat at a restaurant with different cultural food where most, if not all have ever eaten at before.  This time we went to a German restaurant and it was pretty darn good.  Not as good as Thai or good Sushi, but it was still pretty decent.

I think she secretly likes to drive her sister-in-law nuts as she doesn’t like anything beyond Italian and normal American food (Hamburgers, steak and potatoes, etc.).

Afterwards all of her family wanted to hit a local bakery that served incredible desserts.  We all decided to go and everyone ordered a treat, except, you guessed it… my wife.

ED keeps her in a prison of her own making.  I could see how incredibly angry she was inside that she “couldn’t” eat one of these delicious desserts.  She looked all around at her sister-in-laws and other women (she thinks men are exempt) and saw how much they were enjoying the desserts and I could see the anger and frustration in her eyes.

I did make her try a bite of mine, which thankfully she will do, but that may have been a mistake, because she saw how delicious it was and I know she wanted it even more… but ED would not let her and she agrees with ED.

He knows best.  He has stayed with her through thick and thin.  He makes her think there is nothing truly good beyond the bars of prison she put herself in.

All of this made me think of a “comic”.  I really wish I could draw well.  I doodle, but I can’t draw well enough to do what I have in mind.  I’ve tried almost the entire day when I had a free moment to put it together and made it halfway through, but then the faces didn’t match and I got frustrated, so I stopped.  The picture at the top of this post is as far as I came with my poor doodling.

So below is the dialogue and you can imagine the scene(s).

First Pane
——————

Picture of face with mouth as a gate, looking smug at people in the distance who are laughing, eating, and having a party.

ED: “Look at them…  They think Happiness is eating anything they want.”

Second Pane
——————

My wife’s face poking above something solid, looking angrily at the party.

Sunny:  “It just makes me so angry that no one else has the willpower that I have.  The outlook that I have.  I’d eat like that to, but you’ve shown me how I can’t ED.  I know how to be truly happy with myself…

Third Pane
—————–

Both scowl at the party.  Both showing solidarity towards each other.

Fourth Pane
—————-

ED: “Well, it has been a while since you’ve eaten anything, you should probably have a snack, but only if it’s under 100 calories.”

Fifth Pane
—————

(Sunny has a scared look on her face.)

Sunny:  “Do I have to???

Sixth Pane
—————

(Ed Smirks)

What am I saying… Of course you don’t have to.  You’ll make it up eventually.

Seventh Pane
—————–

(ED laughs while Sunny relaxes and smiles as she continues to watch the party)

ED: Yeah, they don’t know what they are missing!

Eighth Pane
—————–

(Close up on Sunny showing small tears developing in her eyes)

Sunny: Nope, they don’t

Ninth Pane
—————–

(Far shot as we realize that ED is the gate to a small round fence.  My wife leaning against one of the sides from the inside.)

I wish I knew of a cartoonist or someone else who is decent at drawing that could put that together… but for now I guess it will just stay in my head.

From my perspective I wonder how she can stay with ED when he treats her so horribly.  He keeps her from enjoying life and is making her believe in the propaganda that being skinnier than your natural set point through diets and exercise is the only way to be happy with yourself.

If I had to sit and watch everyone eat something wonderful and I could only watch and stare… I would literally be in my own personal hell.

Recently, one of the arguments that she has given to me many times after we “discuss” the ED situation is that she was happier before going into the center… at least with herself she was happier.  She knows that the family and I weren’t as happy.  She has forgotten her happiness state after she left the Center.

This statement is baffling to me, because there is no way in the world I could ever truly be happy with myself or otherwise, when she’s not happy.  How could she be happy if she knew I wasn’t???

Again, I know this is ED and I can’t take it personally, but it’s so hard not to when she makes comments like that.

Funny thing is, I remember her before the center and she was NOT happy with herself then either.  There is no magic number, size, or look where she’ll be happy and I know she can’t be happy without accepting that.

I feel like I’m rambling, so I’ll stop for the day.

My wife is having an affair with ED

I don’t have an eating disorder. I’ll admit that I don’t fully understand those that do, but I’m trying each day to better understand and empathize.

My wife has anorexia. She was diagnosed a year and a half ago, but she’s had an eating disorder since around 2012, to the point where it started affecting our lives that is.

Exercise became absolute. Nothing could interrupt it. We have a trip planned for the weekend? She wakes up at 5:00 in the morning to get her hour and a half work in before leaving, causing her to be exhausted, asleep, and unavailable for having fun with the family come evening.

She won’t enjoy food and has told me how she is so utterly angry at everyone else and their ability to eat whatever they want around them and she can’t.

That’s ED. He makes her do whatever she wants, regardless of the circumstance.  She is in love with him.  She is having an affair with him.

You name it, I and the kids became second to ED.  Fun, games, movies, sex…  She would be there, but ED had her complete focus and none of that was enjoyable because of it.

I tried everything I could think of… I was able to talk her into seeing a therapist in 2014, but that wasn’t doing anything and any recovery came to a standstill. The therapist and I would tell her that she needs more help and to seek it, she wouldn’t budge saying this is how she was and I was to just accept it or take the kids and leave.

She liked her affair with ED. Her husband came second to him in everything; which killed me as she became first in everything to me.

I’ll admit that I let it get to the point it was in 2014. I had no idea that she had an eating disorder. I chalked it up to just wanting to be healthy and I applauded her for her effort. I was amazed at her willpower and drive, not realizing that it was ED giving her that. I complimented constantly on how good she looked because I wanted to make sure she received positive feedback on the hard work she was doing. I thought I was being a good husband. An eating disorder never even crossed my mind as she didn’t look like the skeletons you relate it to on TV and the runway models.

Gradually her attitude became bitter towards me and I became the focus of her anger. She would scream that she’s seeing a therapist, what more did I want? Thing is, she would only do maybe half of the things the therapist would assign her if not less so. She was doing it half-heartedly and you can’t recover that way. The therapist wanted her to enter Center for Change, a full-time recovery center for eating disorders in Orem, Utah. My wife did not want to go because than everyone else would know what she was struggling with. She would rather appear to everyone else like she was on top of the world and that there was nothing wrong; damn her entire family and relationships that matter in private.

Finally last year around this time I finally was fed up with how she was treating the kids and I. I told her to move in with her Mom’s if she does not get treatment.  It was a wake-up call for her and she grudgingly accepted. I had never been more proud of her than at that moment.  It was a huge win for me… for us!

It was a huge win. She only wanted to go for a week and be home at night. We lived an hour away from the Center. I was fine with that, but when she went in they found heart irregularities most likely brought on by this eating disorder. Long story short they ended up keeping her over-night every day for three weeks to monitor her and to help with recovery.

She was extremely upset the first week and a half, but things started to change. She started to see what was more important in her life. There were no bad foods or good foods. Moderation and variety in all foods is the best. Enjoy life, enjoy eating is how to be happy. A number on a scale is brief and gone in seconds… not true happiness, only temporary satisfaction.  They taught her that we should love our bodies the way God gave them to us and that every shape and size is awesome.  How boring would the world be if we all looked like runway models.

Her entire family and I saw this change and were amazed. She had a glow in her eyes again, a happiness that emanated from her to others. I was on cloud 9. My wife was almost completely back.  I could see she still struggled with it, but I became the focus to draw strength from to help her through it.  No longer was I the enemy and the focus for her anger.  Did sex improve when she got back? Let’s say it was like it was the first 10 years of our marriage… which was amazing. We were making love again… not just having sex. I was ecstatic.

This lasted for just over two months after she returned home.  They told us in the Center that recovery is like a rollercoaster and will take years and let me tell you… that’s exactly right. There are times like just 2-3 weeks ago where she was incredibly happy for a week and a half. Still struggling with ED, always struggling with ED, but she seemed to handle it where she could still be happy.

During this time the sex was AMAZING as well! Why do I bring that up?  She says that’s all I talk about during the bad times. I bring up sex, because when she’s happy and doing better, she WANTS sex or at least wants to participate in it. She wants me to love her.  I am definitely not a selfish lover if you know what I mean; I’ll just leave it at that.  So yes… sex is a great gauge for me as that tells me she at least has a better handle on things.

During the bad times it’s the opposite… I think it’s because she feels like she doesn’t deserve to be loved or if she just pleases me than she’s done her “duty” and she should suffer for dealing with ED again.  I’m not sure if that’s the case, but that may be true; at least a sub-conscious level.

Then there are days like this past week until now where ED is in complete control and I’m the focus of that anger again as I’m now the hindrance… no longer the help. For the past month her therapist at the Center wants her to go back in as she’s not following through with anything they are asking her.  She really hasn’t done much of what they asked, except a few moments of clarity since late last fall.

It’s been a rollercoaster, but since Thanksgiving it has been a gradual slight up and big down until now. She refuses to go back in again and spend all that time and money once more. To rely on family and friends to watch our kids once more and worried that I’ll lose my job because of time missed.  These are the excuses she tells everyone.

All valid worries, but she doesn’t understand that she’s everything to me, the kids, and her family and getting her better where she just enjoys life and our relationship.  So we can do things and she’s present with me and not having to see the constant distant look that has her thoughts thinking of what she just ate and ED telling her it was too much, would be bliss.

She’s now back to saying that it won’t get any better and basically that I need to accept it. There is no end in sight to her eyes; a complete 180 to her attitude late last summer/early fall and she can’t see that.  She blames the heart irregularities on her body since when she left the center it was still slightly irregular, but not like it was at the beginning… but she won’t admit to that… ED won’t let her.

So I decided to start a blog. No one will probably read it, but I don’t really care about that… I’m using this more as a venting session I think.

Before any of you think that she’s doing this because of how I treat her, let me tell you some things about our relationship.  I help with the dishes, the laundry, cleaning around the house, taking care of kids, while working full-time and taking care of anything outside (garden, yard, etc.).  I dote on my wife, I tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me every single day and I mean it.  I truly treat her like a princess because that’s how I truly see her.  My wife is a stay at home Mom and part-time realtor.  I support her in everything she does besides this eating disorder (but I even supported that before I knew what it was).  I’m her biggest cheering section in all that she does.  I know she loves me, I do.  I know this is a disease and it’s not really her pushing me away.

I’ll just keep loving her and keep trying.  I see our potential; I know how we are together during good times.  I know how we are in public or visiting with family as my wife becomes “social wife” when we are and it’s nice to see her smile and have fun despite ED.  I’m in love with her… I think that is also one of the issues.  I’m in love with her, but I think she only loves me and it kills me to admit that out loud.

Anyway, I think I’ve said enough for today, I’m sure I’ll write again soon.  Have any advice for me?  Please comment below.